The Style Invitational Week 932 Your-mama jokes
By Pat Myers, Updated: Friday, August
12, 9:00 AM
Your mama’s butt’s so big, she’s a foot
taller when she sits down.
This week we visit — for the
first time in its own Invitational contest — one of the most venerable forms of
humor, the beloved your-mama joke. (The Wikipedia entry comprehensively termed
“maternal insult” cites examples dating back to Shakespeare: “Chiron: ‘Thou
hast undone our mother.’ Aaron: ‘Villain, I have done thy mother.’ ”) Invite Loser
Dion Black of Washington posted the joke above recently on Facebook in the
genre’s classic street grammar (prompting Loser Anne Paris to suggest this
contest); we’ll be using standard English as above. This week: Tell an original
“your mama” insult joke. Utter uniqueness might be impossible, but let’s do our
best to come up with something new. As we will from here on in, we’re limiting
you to “only” 25 entries per person. (No, the rule does not concern sane
people; however, a few people out there often send dozens of entries a week —
one Loser once sent 750, prompting a memorable Empress Tanty.)
Winner gets the Inker, the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second prize receives a pink lollipop with
a real scorpion embedded in it — we’ll call it the I’m Gonna Get You Sucker.
Plus a pack of Instant Dinosaurs — little pellets that, after soaking in water,
spring up into spongy dino-objects. These were bought in a science museum (!)
by Melissa Yorks.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a
smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail
entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Aug.
22; results published, whuh-oh, Sept. 11 (Sept. 9 online). No more than 25
entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 932” in your e-mail subject line,
or it may be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number
with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at
washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week’s results
is by Roy Ashley; this week’s honorable-mentions subhead is by Jeff Hazle.
Report from Week 928: Play feature, in which we asked you to cite a movie title and supply
a question it could answer. We were not at all surprised the number of fart
jokes for “Gone With the Wind,” none of which gets ink.
The winner of the Inker:
Answer: I’m Still Here.
Question: What is considered
a lame answer to the question “Do you still love me?” (Tom Witte, Montgomery
Village, Md.)
2. Winner of the note paper
made of panda poo: A. Toy Story.
Q. Whom did Sarah Palin name
as her favorite Russian author? (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)
3. A. Bye Bye Birdie.
Q. What entry follows “Bye
Bye Elin” in Tiger Woods’s diary? (Bruce Harris, Scotch Plains, N.J.)
4. A. Groundhog Day.
Q. What was the sequel to
“Groundhog Day”? (John O’Byrne, Dublin; Evan Hadley, Potomac, Md.)
Dumb and dumber: Honorable mentions
Dead Poets Society: What
group has about the same annual income as the Live Poets Society? (Randy Lee,
doing volunteer work in Kibwezi, Kenya)
Say Anything: As a TV pundit,
if you can’t say anything nice, what do you do? (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Winnie the Pooh: What did
Mrs. Churchill shout to her husband as he stepped off the curb? (Philip Justus,
Potomac, Md., a First Offender)
Cape Fear: What does the
prospect of another Superman movie trigger? (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)
Return of the Jedi: What
occurs the day after you receive a Yoda bobblehead for Christmas? (Bonnie
Speary Devore, Gaithersburg, Md.)
Salt: What can Donovan McNabb
successfully pass? (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)
A Clockwork Orange: What was
that Robert Frost poem about the passage of time, the one he never finished?
(Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)
Stand by Me: What does Tom
Cruise always say to Danny DeVito at photo ops? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase,
Md.)
The Italian Job: Given the
way the media and police make his life so difficult, how does Silvio Berlusconi
portray himself? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)
A Man Apart: What did Lorena
Bobbitt take in 1993? (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.)
Anger Management: What are
you trying to do by pasting up those Dilbert comics all over your cubicle?
(Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.)
The English Patient: Tell us,
Tarzan, what makes you think Jane will wait for you? (Russell Beland, Fairfax,
Va.)
Arms and the Man: What are
the Secret Service nicknames for Michelle and Barack Obama? (Andrew Hoenig,
Rockville, Md.)
Black Swan: Which swan always
gets killed first in swan slasher movies? (Tom Witte)
Woodstock: What do even
vegans admit is a terrible base for a soup? (Kathye Hamilton, Annandale, Va.)
Twelve Monkeys: Who were the
jurors at the Scopes trial? (Dave Ferry, Key West, Fla.)
The Godfather Part 2: What
was discovered some time later in a New Jersey swamp? (Bird Waring, Larchmont,
N.Y.)
Fly Away Home: What was the
original title for the movie “Up”? (David Litman, Arlington, Va.)
Cool Hand Luke: What did
Princess Leia tell her brother after his limb replacement surgery? (Trevor
Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.)
Exodus: What do you get when
Mel Gibson walks into a synagogue? (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland)
On the Waterfront: Where do
all eyes focus during a wet-T-shirt contest? (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)
Stand and Deliver: What’s the
motto of the Acme Alternative Birthing Clinic? (Steve Dantzler, Gaithersburg, a
First Offender; Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.; Steve Shapiro, Alexandria, Va.)
Salt: Granted, the best thing
about that Angelina Jolie movie was the popcorn. But what was the second-best
thing? (Brendan Beary)
The Pelican Brief: What is
Hanes’s latest line of underwear that’s extra-roomy in front? (Larry Gray)
The King’s Speech: What is
usually summarized as “Thank you. Thank you very much”? (Jeff Contompasis,
Ashburn, Va.)
Captain America: What are
congressional leaders woefully unable to do? (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)
The Kids Are All Right: What
was the foster agency’s review of the Bachmann household? (Kevin Dopart)
One Hundred Men and a Girl:
What did Jenna Jameson do last night? (Dion Black, Washington)
The Bonfire of the Vanities:
What ritual marks the climax of the Guild of Bathroom Remodelers’ annual
jamboree? (Ken Fishbein, Laurel, Md., who last got Invite ink in 1998)
The 400 Blows: So what do you
think of high society? (Richard Liebmann-Smith, New York, a First Offender)
The Color Purple: What will
Prince Charles wear to his mother’s funeral? (Kelly Bielewicz, Newark, Del.)
The Cotton Club: What’s not
likely to give you much of a concussion? (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)
Watership Down: What do you
have to do to a vessel after a flock of seagulls has flown over it? (Edward
Gordon, Austin)
Milk: What slang
term means “mother I’d like to kiss”? (Chris Doyle, vacationing in Minsk,
Belarus)
And last:
The Birdcage: Honey, have you seen this week’s Style Invitational? (Edmund
Conti)
Next week: Now sit right back, or Avast! Wasteland!